Helping Parents Cope in Tragic Times. Dr. Mary Rose Paster

I see a mother and young child in my office. She is in the age range of children murdered in Newtown, CT. She bubbles, is tiny, beautiful and full of life. Her mother is forlorn and discusses the lapses in security that she has observed in her local school district. She fears the unthinkable--that her little girl may suffer like those who have broken our hearts in CT. She wants to know how this happened. She wants predictability. I can give her assurances, but no guarantees. If you are a parent here are a few thoughts that may help. Look to support from your spouse, partner, friends, community. Speak about your worries to other adults. Offer a shoulder to someone and allow yourself to lean as well. Remember that these callous killings still remain rare. It is unlikely that they will ever directly visit our community. I encourage this mother to take action in a way that is meaningful to her. I suggest you do the same. I do encourage this young mother to become an active member of the PTA. I support her insightful comments that should be shared publicly. I suggest she contact her district superintendent. I suggest she not remain worried and feeling helpless. But, the coping only begins there. You ability to confront your fears will help you to confront those of your child. It is truly ok if they see you a bit upset. There are so many bumps in our roads. If your child witnesses that you can deal with these, keep normal routines and have emotions return to the more usual, this provides the best role model you can give to your child for future times of heartaches and stress. Your child will feel a sense of security, hopefulness about fluctuations in life and you will know this. Your effectiveness in teaching your child well will add to your own sense of well being and the effectiveness of your most important role, that of parenting and raising your children well. Challenges in life are wonderful teaching opportunities. The usual things we suggest for coping with stress are of course applicable here. Take good care of yourself. Eat well, get enough sleep, exercise and do one thing each day that bring you joy even if only lasts for a few moments. Spend time with good friends who really get you. Give gratitude for the good things in your life. Give back to others in some direct or symbolic way. Realize you, as I tell my clients who have overcome misfortune, have won the lottery. If your child had been one who had suffered, you would do anything and everything to alleviate this. You have won. Open your heart to those who have not. Mary Rose Paster, Ph.D., Psychologist, Glen Cove Sent from my iPad