Say "I Love You" Now

As many rabbis do, on the evening prior to a person’s funeral, I usually sit down with children of the deceased, and review the life of the person we are about to lay to rest. As we sit over a cup of tea, many tears are shed. We talk about the challenges that person faced - where they were born, what kind of parents they were, and even some of their idiosyncrasies which made them unique. Yet, with some sadness, I often hear the following observation made by a surviving son or daughter. “I know my father loved me very much, although he rarely said it.” The statement is not that surprising. During the 50’s and 60’s, many dads woke up before dawn, ventured into the city to work in an office or business, and returned some time after dinner. Many traditional Jewish fathers worked hard in order that their children could rise higher than their own parents, who in many cases emigrated from an impoverished European village, or earned their first American dollar in a sweatshop in the Garment District. Dads in those days did not aspire to be a child’s “best friend.” They were dads. And often, within the tough routine of family life, certain words and emotions were understood, but were rarely expressed. Yet, within Jewish tradition, a formal ritual was developed to bridge the gap between our daily routine -- and eternity. This ritual enabled Israelite leaders, and eventually parents, to formally express their love and devotion to those whose lives they sought to elevate. In this week’s Torah portion, Naso, God institutes a three part blessing which many of you will recognize. God instructs the Kohanim, members of the priestly tribe, to regularly bless the children of Israel with the following words. May God bless you and keep you - May God shed light upon you and be gracious unto you - May the God lift “his” face unto you, and grant you peace. The Kabbalah, our mystic tradition, reminds us that in life, good intentions need to be combined with physical action. Many of us remain concerned about the state of the world around us, but improvements will only occur through the “physical” commitment of time or money. On the anniversary of a person’s passing (Yartzheit), we encourage those who remember to make a small donation to the synagogue so it can be donated to a worthwhile cause. Judaism teaches that good intentions and memories need to be coupled with physical acts of kindness (chesed). It is why this sacred triad is so treasured within Judaism. On Friday evening, parents are encouraged to formally bless their children. There is an official version where we express a wish that our own children emulate certain Biblical characters. But perhaps more importantly, through this ritual, Judaism teaches us to validate our children by punctuating what we feel inside. Our mystics believed that words become “concretized” once they exit our lips. Too often in life, we fail to express what we feel. We assume what we feel is understood. Yet, words like “I love you,” coupled with a touch on a shoulder or a simple kiss, are actions which a child will remember above how hard we work, or the long hours which we devote to our professions. Simple words of blessing, uttered at consistent times, nurture an environment of peace and security for our children, grandchildren and others who surround us. It’s the basis of this week’s Torah reading. For if we don’t physically bless those around us now, when will we? Too often, these words of love and care are left unsaid; to be pondered or assumed at the dining room table after we are gone. We want the best for our children and grandchildren. Therefore, is so important that they feel it or hear it at consistent times. That is the basis of ritual. It is why the oldest blessing in our tradition is so important. It is consistently recited in many homes on Friday night, by rabbis to young couples under the Chupah, and at synagogue on special holidays. May God bless you and keep you - May God shed light upon you and be gracious unto you - May the God lift up “his” face unto you, and grant you peace. Our children and grandchildren are blessings in our lives. It is important that they regularly hear it, even when we assume they know it. Indeed, a new toy or gadget or game may provide a short term smile or “thank you” but words like “I love you” spoken at consistent times can provide memories which will endure a lifetime, and beyond. For these words are ageless. And they are priceless. Shabbat shalom, v ‘kol tuv, Rabbi Irwin Huberman